Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Sooo many times…..
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“TGIM!” – My liver
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.