Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
You Might Also Like
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix