I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that