Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
screw you
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
FINE, I WON’T.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.