The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Oh my God.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.