Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
How wrong was this guy?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults