Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
You Might Also Like
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
This rocks
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.