her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The symmetry is uncanny.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.