If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
how it started vs how it ended
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier