My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
You Might Also Like
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale