“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
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That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Was it something I said?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.