*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
oh no, steve’s working tonight