Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I wish this was real life…
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker