-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Hotels are back
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Bruh PLEASE
🤣🤣🤣