I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*