Get off my horse you stupid moon
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Good boy 😂😂
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me too, bag. Me too….
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling