I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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what’s more important?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I’d love this…lol