Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.