Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Its true…
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.