ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
You Might Also Like
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Eat…
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend