It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Always a housemaid, never a house.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.