I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Meow?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*watches the world burn*
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023