*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You Might Also Like
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.