If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
What a year we’ve had this week.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!