He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I have a black belt in leather
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Midwest trash talk
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.