I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?