Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert