My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
You sure about that?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.