i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
You Might Also Like
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
good let them take over I have had enough
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.