Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
You Might Also Like
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”