*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
You Might Also Like
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.