🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
This is a true ally.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
peep davidson
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.