trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
ugh not again
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
He just like my cat fr
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from