Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?