If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
fly smarter, not harder
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”