Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.