Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Canada has crack?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.