Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now