had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
#inspiration #foodforthought
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
For those that worship cheese..