Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Yes my dude
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.