I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
rapatouille