As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Midwest trash talk
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Body by Oreos
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[eulogy]
line?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age