Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
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My dress code is business-casualty.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.