THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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Salad is the decaf of food.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.