For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.