If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.