Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir