If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂