If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Had to try this trend 😊