I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.